5 Ways to Please Your Man in Trump's America

Hide Your Crying

Nothing is less attractive than a girl that’s crying because she feels neglected by her country and disappointed in the state of a “Democracy” that’s actually a republic that keeps fucking her over emotionally and economically. If you want to cry, keep it in the shower when he's not looking. 

Condoms Condoms Condoms

The cost of the birth control goes up, the abortion is no longer an emergency option, or Make-America-Greaters are slapping Plan B out of your hand in the CVS parking lot. Who knows what’s going on really? Stock up on the safest sex you can, because your body is now the enemy. 

The Pearl Necklace

You know that dirty sex move that means a guy unloading on his girl’s chest or neck? Well, get used to that. Honestly, he can unload anywhere except in there. Using condoms? Have him pull out anyway! It’s fun way to get extra nasty and stop constantly imaging the chants of older women as they assert that you deserve children even if you don’t want them. Pull out or put up with a kid.

Pitch That Tent, Baby

Learn to pitch tents, start fires, and hunt for small game. He’ll find it super sexy that you can take care of yourself on a romantic get away in the woods. The best part is that when thing start to fall apart, you won't need to depend on the structure of society to survive. 

Put the Phone Away

Trump is not going to individually stick his tiny baby fingers into everybody's relationships, but his supporters just might. The far right feel victimized by the left thanks to the media and you, as a woman, are probably way too into Hillary and won't shut-up about it. Stay off of social media as to not injure the fragile egos of the far right online. This could lead to more quality time with the guy you kinda like.